The Gifts that Keep on Giving

Hello, folks who still come around to my little blog o' fun.

A fairly new friend asked me recently if "I wanted a Christmas gift," and instead of giving her a normal yes-or-no answer that a normal non-cruel person would, I gave a fairly complicated, caveat ridden one that was not very clear, and really only served to confuse and frustrate her. I did this, because, selfishly, I didn't want to go through the trouble of explaining my rather complicated view of the matter. But, I realize now that it was a mistake. It's not fair, and really pretty annoying that I did that. I hope I haven't caused any of the rest of friends this same grief in the past. So, now, here, I will set it all out in an orderly way in hopes of avoiding this frustration in the future.

First, let us untangle my beliefs about gifting:

1. My beliefs have nothing to do with the Christmas holiday, and in fact, have nothing to do with religion at all. This means that what is said here goes for holidays, birthdays, or any other occasion on which one might normally give a gift.
2. This has to do with people who are not my family or close relatives, or loved ones. There's just really no way to stop your mom or your wife from buying you stuff, so they are exempt.
   
3. If this is too much to read and you don't really care that much about what I have to say about it, then my default answer to the question at hand is this, I prefer not to receive purchased gifts, and I definitely will not think bad of you if you don't get me anything.

For those of you still with me, this is the important part.

The thing is this, and realize this might sound a bit like some sort of hippy bullshit, but it's really true, and I really feel this way; I really don't subscribe to the notion of going out and buying some random thing for other people just because I feel like I have to, or because I'm forced to by some societal norm. I feel that hollows the sentiment, and turns gift-giving into nothing more than the act of saying "bless you" to someone who sneezes. I don't want to be part of a society that's emotionally bound to the act of material trade. So, buying me a package of socks that I could just as easily go out and purchase myself at the Wal-mart, five minutes away, will not mean that much to me. Especially if I don't particularly need socks at the moment. What's worse, is that if I know you've done this, then I will feel obligated to go out and buy you something of equal or greater value (monetarily I mean, because, c'mon, how much emotional value do Hane's socks have?). And then, what if I buy something that you don't need or don't like? Then we will have wasted money that could better be spent on the things we do need, like food or electric bills.

The usual answer to this last question that I hear is "Well, it's the thought that counts."

Well, I totally agree! but how thoughtful is a toaster?? or a giftcard??? "Here, let me force you to spend money at this one place ONLY." To me, the gifts that are of most value, and are the most thoughtful are those that are hardly material. It could be as simple as just spending time with me, whether it's sitting on the couch talking, or taking me to a concert. Or as complicated as writing me a novel. This doesn't mean that you CAN'T buy me things. If you find something really awesome or hard to find that you know is close to my heart, sure, that can definitely be a meaningful gift.

So, if you want to ask me, "would you like a Christmas/birthday/etc. gift?" the answer will depend:

IF:

• you think you are obligated to buy me something...
• you think you need to impress me with an expensive gift...
• you have some extra gifts you got last year that you never used...
• it's a gift card or a Christmas/birthday card with money in it...

then the answer is NO, I prefer not to receive a gift.

but IF:

• it is a thoughtful gift, something you came across and though, "he would love this!" like a mug from Hawaii or someplace for my mug collection...
• it is something you made or created, like a poem, or a drawing, or chocolate fudge, that shows it's obvious you care...
  
• it is a chance to spend time with you...
• it is a hug...
• you want to teach me how to fight ninjas...
  

then the answer is YES, I want a gift from you.

I hope this was able to clarify my position to anyone who was wondering, and to those that I have frustrated. And just so you know, if you don't receive a gift from me, it's not because I don't care. I treasure my friends, and really do care about you, it's just that I wasn't able to find something meaningful and I didn't want to waste the space in your home or dishonor you with a meaningless material trinket.

For those that do decide to give me a gift, please let me know, so that I can try to properly thank you and return the honor by finding you a meaningful gift.

Thank you for listening, have happy holidays, and have a great new year.